Shitexpress.com

Showing the Power of Marketing.
Selling Shit to People Since October 2014.

The Best 2014 Customer Support Questions and Conversations: Sloth Shit, Wolf Urine, Comodo Dragon Poop, Shit Chain, Wedding Ring, Candles and More

Offering realtime customer support was not only a good way to fix all the bugs on the website and make all the texts more comprehensible; it was also very rich source of fun and laughter. People are just fun in general. They spend hours by searching for any kind of entertainment. I hope that stumbling upon our novelty gift made their day better.

I picked 20 questions (out of 1,000+) of our website visitors. I added my personal comments above some of the conversations. Enjoy!


20.

A good example of how a box of shit could actually solve real problems.

Visitor: I want to send shit!
Visitor : Can I make it custom ?
Visitor: Like send you an item to put on top of the feces ?
Peter: Yes, there is a field which says "Message for the recipient" - do you see it?
Visitor: yes yes
Visitor: but i want to put an item
Visitor: my wedding ring :)
Peter: How would we get your wedding ring?
Visitor: I send it to you first
Peter: We don't accept wedding rings, sorry. :-)
Visitor: ahh ok
Visitor: then a message will suffice
Visitor: thanks

19.

Wow effect?

Peter: would you like to order a box of shit? :-)
Visitor: are you human?
Peter: Yes, I am. And you?
Visitor: i guess
Visitor: i just don't understand how can you have a chat service for a shit service.
Visitor: sorry for wasting your time

18.

One should really care about his wife.

Visitor: Can I have dog shit?
Peter: Well, you can... but I think it won't pass the customs.
Visitor: Really?
Visitor: Damn
Visitor: I need Dog shit, Horse shit, And Cow shit.
Visitor: For my wife, She left me.
Peter: Currently, we have only horse shit.
Visitor: I need more :/
Visitor: I need it for my wife.
Peter: A simple ol' piece of horse shit with a good message could do it, believe me.
Visitor: Lmao.
Visitor: Are you the cheapest shit selling company?
Peter: Yes, the cheapest and 100% anonymous.
Visitor: Nice, That's awesome.
Visitor: Will be making an order of 10 Horse shit soon.
Visitor: For my wife to eat.
Peter: Fooking forward to handle 10 boxes of shit for you, sir.
Visitor: Lmfao, Good

17.

An entrepreneur.

Visitor: You know, if you guys could incorporate a name/address lookup based on license plate and then make a SmartPhone app - I bet things could get really messy :-)

16.

An evil mind.

Visitor: I just found your website, and I love it! Do you have a bulk rate, or something like that? For example, if I wanted a plane to dump a whole load of shit on a city, is there any deals? Does the pricing depend on the city, or just the number of people it is estimated to hit? They all deserve it, I promise. Looking forward to hearing from you!

15.

Keep calm and be polite.

Peter: Hey! Would you like to send someone a box full of shit? :-) I am here to help.
Visitor: Fuck you!
Peter: I will. Can I help with something else?
...
Peter: Sir?

14.

Some are too picky...

Visitor: do you have any sloth shit?
Peter: We have horse shit.
Visitor: horse is too vanilla
Visitor: i know you guys have a secret menu
Peter: Yes, but it's not official, of course.
Visitor: lemme hear what you got
Visitor: do you have bear shit?

13.

We deliver packages to ALL COUNTRIES in the world, so the question is...

Visitor: Do you ship packages to Fortaleza, Brazil?

(Questioned every single day...)

12.

The most educative email we've got so far.

Might I suggest including red fox shit in your offerings?
Red fox shit has a similar consistency to domestic dog or wolf shit. However, it has one special property: it *absolutely* stinks.
The red fox has scent glands around its tail base. This enhances the aroma magnificently.
In fact the red fox's urine also stinks. It has a musky, pungent aroma. Offering this in bottled form, perhaps labeled as a fine champagne, would be a true delight.
The wild or urban red fox can easily be litter-trained, starting from an age of 2 months. Once familiar with humans, they are friendly animals, and particularly enjoy ear rubs. But one dire word of warning: if, during litter training, your nose clip is dislodged, the results are invariably fatal.
If you suffer an industrial accident and get fox urine on your clothing, you need to take immediate action. Strip naked, shower under a solution of bleach and sulfuric acid, and vacate the country at the earliest possible opportunity.
Finally, may I add one further suggestion? It would be most appreciated if you would consider re-selling wolf urine. For those in the know, it can already be acquired on amazon at the following location: http://goo.gl/iyXiLF. At $34.95 with free shipping, this is an absolute steal. And that is new, not used. I am sure you could easily sell this much wolf urine for a 2 BTC markup. Further, you could offer smaller quantities for around 0.1 BTC. After all, there are a lot of customers who are not heavy drinkers. Perhaps they just want to whet the palate with a little sip before they start on their main course.

11.

Visitor: Do you have comodo dragon poop available?

10.

Visitor: can i get a holy shit?
Peter: Probably :-)
Visitor: maybe i'll get that :)
Visitor: maybe a douchebag?
Visitor: "FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING" Shouldn't that read "FREE WORLDWIDE SHITTING"?
Peter: :-)
Visitor: i would, but we have way too many shitty politicians
Peter: Bulk orders are accepted. Give me their addresses.
Visitor: cool. won't be now unfortunately :( need both bitcoin and personal addresses...
Peter: Paypal is accepted, too.
Visitor: and that may be hard to gather for 179 politicians... might be doable though ;)
Visitor: what's the shitties shit you have?
Peter: We offer fresh, wet horse poop.
Visitor: but i'm a little concerned that it's not effective enough - can you make it explode when they open the package?

9.

Visitor: is it possible to put candles in the shit so it will look like an anniversary cake?

8.

Visitor: one suggestion, it would be awesome to wrap shit inside ice cream box. May be the receivers takes some time to realize. ;)

7.

Visitor: can I order horse diarrhea, please?

6.

Visitor: Can you send human poo ?
Peter: We have horse shit only, sorry.
Visitor: Wow is this actually your job Peter ?
Peter: Yes, but I also put my hands into the shit very often.
Visitor: So what do you tell friends that you do ?
Peter: I work with shit.
Visitor: Awesome/evil occupation you have there
Peter: Yes, I'm lovin' it!

5.

Visitor: is there a way to make the package fling/spray feces out of the package when opened? maybe an oily type of shit?
Peter: All these special requests surprise me every time... :-) It's about the message -> it's a piece of shit in a box, nobody will dare to open it.
Visitor: i can pay extra btc if this is possible
Visitor: maybe jumping shit?

4.

Visitor: why is this site made and how? xD
Peter: It's made because people want to punish their ex-friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, relatives, bosses, professors etc.
Visitor: there are other ways for that
Peter: Of course, this is just one of them.
Visitor: expensive tho, it's a lot easier to shit in a box and put it in front of their door
Peter: Indeed, but sometimes you live abroad...
Visitor: not many poeple hate poeple from abroad...
Peter: You would be surprised, sir.
Peter: I was just chatting with a girl who is going to send shit to China; her ex-boyfriend lives there.
Visitor: funny
Peter: Sweet revenge.
Visitor: what if I make you hate me and you send me a shit and then I send your shit to someone else so it is for free?
Peter: You are genius. It's like a shit chain.
Visitor: a chain made out of shit, cool

3.

Peter: Hello there! Would you like to order a box of shit? :-)
Visitor: are u bot?
Peter: I am not.
Peter: Are you bot? :-)
Visitor: no
Peter: Is there anyone you'd like to send a box of poop to?
Visitor: i don't know
Visitor: i hate shit
Visitor: and u are bot?
Peter: Ok, I'm bot.
Peter: Will that help you?
Visitor: no
Peter: Take a look at those beauties! [sent a photo of 50+ boxes filled with poop]
Visitor: ok ok I crazy
Visitor: are u bot?
Peter: I'm not a bot! Stop that already. :-)
Peter: Do you think we cannot afford live customer support?
Visitor: maybe
Peter: This service needs it.
Visitor: ok bye

2.

Casey Hendrickson from radio 95.3 MNC obtained a box of shit for free.

Visitor: I'm about to drop your company name on my radio show
Peter: What time are you going to talk about it?
Visitor: right now, US eastern time, 95.3 MNC. May use you to send some shit to my morning host.
Peter: Listening...nice! I love it!
Visitor: LOL! Phone lines are lit up dude!
Visitor: Congrats! You just got pimped on a top 3 radio program in 3 markets.
Visitor: Link to your business will be in daily show prep on my website today, and the podcast will be hour 3 for today's date. Uploaded after the show at 6 my time. http://theburningtruth.us
Visitor: The podcast is free to download, feel free to use it.
Peter: Ok, I will.. but give me your full name and address. I would like to send you something. :-)
Visitor: Casey Hendrickson
Visitor: ....
Visitor: Gotta roll man, thanks for chatting.
Peter: Thank you!
Visitor: My pleasure. Love capitalism!

1.

I kept this one in French. It's nice to see how some people try to innovate. I hope the guy will make business out of his ideas.

Visitor: Vous pouvez livrer une tonne de merde?
Peter: C'est possible d'envoyer 10kg, alors 10 * 100 = une tonne.
Visitor: donc c'est possible?
Peter: Oui, mais cela coutera cher.
Visitor: vous me conseillez quel genre de merde pour quelqu'un que je deteste plus que tout?
Peter: Le fumier du cheval, c'est le seul qui est disponible maintenant.
Visitor: si j'attends un peu, aurez vous d'autres types d’excréments ?
Peter: Pas pendant cette année...
Visitor: je pensais un truc un peu plus liquide
Peter: Êtes-vous sur que le destinataire va ouvrir ce paquet?
Visitor: avec un beau paquet cadeau, ça devrait passer non?
Peter: Je ne sais pas. C'est important d'ajouter la message originale. La qualité ou quantité de la merde, c'est ne pas si important.
Visitor: je veux quelque chose de bien précis en faite, je voudrais une bouteille, du genre une bonne bouteille de vin mais avec de la merde à l'intérieur, donc forcément une merde bien liquide, je veux aussi qu'au moment où il ouvre la bouteille, le fond de la bouteille se casse par un système, de cette façon vu que ce sera une bonne bouteille de vin, il l'utilisera pour fêter un avènement avec surement plusieurs personnes, je veux donc gâcher sa fête et si le fond de la bouteille se casse, avec un peu de chance la merde sortant du fond de la bouteille tombera sur lui, pouvez vous faire ceci?
Peter: Ben, c'est la demande vachement specifique.
Visitor: oui presque je n'ai pas encore trouver le système pour casser le fond de la bouteille, je pensais tout d'abord à un poids qui tombe au moment ou le bouchon est enlever, mais la chute du poids sera amorti par la merde donc ne cassera pas le fond de la bouteille, je pensais donc à une pointe au bout d'un bâton que serait sur ressort et tenu au bouchon par un fil, comme ça au moment ou le fil lache, le ressort donne assez de force pour casser le fond de la bouteille, l'ennui est maintenant de mettre le mécanisme dans la bouteille
Peter: Je ne peux pas vous aider, desolé...
Visitor: vous ne faîtes pas dans l'originalité...
Peter: Pas maintenant, mais je vous remercie pour pour l'inspiration!
Visitor: un paquet avec du fumier dedans c'est trop simple puis il risque de sentir la merde avant même d'ouvrir le paquet
Visitor: de rien, si vous voulez d'autres idées , je pourrais y penser
Peter: 10kg de fumier? C'est mieux, non?
Visitor: ce n'est pas très difficile à enlever, mais une tonne qui recouvre sa maison, ça c'est incroyable!
Peter: Monsieur, ce service livre la merde avec la message. Le destinataire ne va pas étudier la merde.
Visitor: vous savez qu'on peut faire passer un message sans forcément écrire le moindre le mot?
Peter: Oui, mais c'est difficile de dire si le destinataire est capable de comprendre la message sans mots.
Visitor: en faîte vous vendez de la merde en une boite en plastique avec un post-it dessus? Rien d'incroyable et faisable par tous le monde et tout ça pour 12 euros 95, c'est une arnaque.

Hope you enjoyed this post. Please don't hesitate to ask us anything, so we can post the best questions and conversations of 2015. :-)

Cheers,
Peter,
Customer Support

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