Shitexpress.com

Showing the Power of Marketing.
Selling Shit to People Since October 2014.

10 Types of Bad Customers

Our customers are fantastic! Since 2014, we've shipped an incredible number of packages (yes, a five-digit figure!).

Our customers are extremely pleased and often reach out with praise, expressing gratitude for the exceptional service we provide. They turn to Shitexpress to meet their unique needs—whether it’s to play a prank, get back at an ex-boss, ex-partner, ex-colleague, or anyone else who fit the bill.

However, it's important to note that there is a small segment of customers whom we just can't seem to fully satisfy. Over the past few years, we've worked on identifying these challenging customers and finding better ways to communicate with them. While we may not be able to meet their expectations, we strive to offer the best alternatives for both parties.

Although we always aim to provide the best experience and reduce the likelihood of negative feedback, such experiences can linger and impact our reputation. This leads us to wonder: could we have avoided this? In most cases, probably not.

After all, we certainly don’t want to start screening our customers with questionnaires before placing an order! Our business is open to everyone, from every corner of the globe!

To help you and your business steer clear of potential pitfalls, we’ve compiled a list of 10 types of difficult customers we encounter from time to time.

We hope this list helps you dodge mistakes that could lead to tough customer interactions. Remember, sometimes difficult customers might actually have a good point!


1. Contact Button-blind

Despite receiving numerous questions and inquiries via email daily, some visitors struggle to locate a contact button on our website. This often leads to frustration, prompting them to call their bank in a desperate attempt to express their inability to reach Shitexpress.


2. Tester With No Money

We get a significant number of unpaid orders, including duplicates, changes of mind, incorrect addresses, and declined payments. However, we often encounter many unpaid orders from 'testers' whom we contact to understand the issue. Surprisingly, some can't believe that Shitexpress is a legitimate service—will they find the answer after placing their fifteenth unpaid order?

Recently, a customer placed 18 orders. When we contacted them, they were skeptical and couldn't believe that we actually had 18 unpaid orders in our system. After we provided proof, they inquired whether we would be sending all of them and when. For free.


3. Shitexpress Prime Subscriber

Some customers place their orders in the morning and express frustration by the evening when their packages have not yet arrived. Unfortunately, our name, Shitexpress, is inspired by the Orient Express, not Amazon Prime!


4. Autofill Ignorant

Fortunately, this has occurred only a few times! Imagine a customer wanting to send a package to their ex-partner. They place an order and patiently wait. After a week, a foul-smelling package suddenly arrives at their doorstep. "Hey, Shitexpress, why was it sent to my address instead of the one I provided?" The response? "We don’t have your personal details; perhaps your autofill function inadvertently supplied them?"


5. (Im)patient

While Forrest Gump sat on a bench reflecting that life is like a box of chocolates, some customers are refreshing their inboxes, eagerly awaiting a confirmation email to learn when their "box of chocolates" will arrive at their intended destination.

Unfortunately, without an email address, we cannot send notification updates. Ideally, if customers locate the Contact button on our website, we can provide them with the necessary information. In a worst-case scenario, however, we might receive a negative review in some obscure corner of the internet, along with a notification from our payment processor about a disputed transaction.


6. Over-suspicious Interrogator

Some customers spend excessive time inquiring about information readily available on our website, such as pricing and shipping times. In one instance, we exchanged 30 emails with a customer, and only after a cheerful message of gratitude did we receive an unpaid order. While it's perfectly fine to ask questions, too many can lead to accidental disclosure of sensitive information that should remain confidential, as this is ultimately an anonymous service.

In addition to overly inquisitive customers, we also encounter those who are excessively suspicious.

For example, one customer asked, "How could you ship it so fast?" To which we could reply, "You placed your order just 15 minutes before we opened a batch and printed the labels." Another questioned, "How can you respond to emails so quickly?" Our response would likely be, "Because it’s not 4:15 in the morning." When faced with, "How do you know my order ID? I never provided it!" we could explain, "It is automatically generated with your payment." Lastly, when someone asks, "How come this is so successful? It doesn’t make any sense!" we are left pondering how to adequately respond.


7. Canceller

If you're unsure about placing an order, it's best to wait until the next day.

Customers who cancel their orders can create challenges for both us and themselves. Those who frequently cancel—often referred to as 'immediate cancellers'—typically do so within just five minutes of making a purchase. If we don’t respond quickly enough, they may initiate a legal dispute through their card provider. However, if we act promptly, cancel the order, and process a refund, they might reconsider and choose to make another purchase. This behavior can raise suspicions, leading to their payment card being blocked.


8. Payment Disputer

The primary issue with 'unrecognized payment disputers' is that they often claim they don't recognize the payment intentionally. They inform their card provider that the transaction might be fraudulent. In truth, this is not the case; they are well aware of the payment, as they frequently reach out to our customer support for status updates.

Once a payment is disputed, we spend valuable time compiling customer communications, receipts, shipping details, and more. After a lengthy process of 60 to 90 days, the payment is eventually unblocked, but guess who ends up covering the dispute fees?


9. Google Detective

You know the type: whenever faced with a question they can't answer, they simply turn to Google and accept the top result as truth. Why bother reaching out to us for clarification when they can consult Uncle Google? Is Shitexpress a legitimate business? Is it allowed to ship horse manure through the mail? And is the Earth round or flat? And why are you crying?


10. Frequent Complainer

Lastly, we encounter the type of customer who seems impossible to satisfy. We saved this one for last. Unlike the other nine customer types discussed, this one presents a unique challenge.

You can always find ways to improve customer experiences, such as enlarging your Contact button, creating a comprehensive Frequently Asked Questions section with a prominent link, or making your order form more detailed by adding CAPTCHA and other constraints to reduce unpaid orders.

However, frequent complainers are different.

These customers continually find faults and escalate minor issues, draining customer service resources without justifiable reasons, making them particularly difficult to handle.

Recently, we faced a situation with a customer who inquired about the possibility of canceling an order. We promptly canceled the order and issued a refund, assuming they placed it in error.

However, it turned out they were simply asking about cancellation options, not actually wanting to cancel. This led to a week of back-and-forth emails, intensified by a negative post about us on Reddit. We kindly requested the customer remove the post, and although it took a few days, the damage was already done, evident in the comments that followed below the post.

After we resolved the situation with the customer (who indeed canceled their order and got their money back immediately), we received an email asking, "Are you mad at me?" I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity, but one thing is clear: we certainly want to avoid these kinds of situations in the future.


And that's all for today, folks!

Enjoy our 100% shitty content!

Cheers,
Your Shit Manager

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